1^st January 2014

It is a family tradition on the 1^st January to have a brisk walk on the beach followed by fish and chips.  This year was no exception.  The sub-zero temperature, coupled with a blustery gale, made the fish and chips taste all the more delicious.   The drive home consisted of various images of sleeping loved ones.  Heads tilted back, heads slumped forward, mouths wide open, snoring baby grandson and my dog whiskey curled up, snuggly warm under a blanket in the tailgate.  The oncoming headlights were soothing and the rain lashing onto the windscreen made me feel safe and warm.

 

The blustery day was followed by an equally blustery evening.  However, the open fire was burning bright, the remnants of bacon butties on the kitchen counter alongside pots of hot chocolate and the atmosphere in our cottage was warm and cozy. 

 

It had been a fabulous day. Long, wet, but fabulous and now was as good a time as any to just take myself upstairs to rest.  There were candles lit with Christmas oil burning and as I snuggled onto the faux fur brown throw, I could make out muffled chattering downstairs below me.  Observing the rain, I quickly realized it was not letting up at all, crashing against the bedroom window making such a racket, almost as if it was knocking to come in.  Looking at the street light I quickly discovered that the sight of the rain was approaching cathartic.  I began to reflect on the day and an exuberant Christmas with my family consisting of my husband, daughter 22, my son 25 and their partners along with my glorious gift of a grandson (three years old) and not forgetting as already mentioned, whiskey, our loyal and loving pooch.  We experienced our tummies filled to capacity with rich festive foods, toasting marshmallows on the open fire, having fun with Mason and his new friend “pop up pirate”. 

 

Christmas is such a time when as a family we are all in such high spirits.

 

I continued to sit snuggled on my bed, propped up by numerous pillows.  I could now distinctly smell the oil burner, burning what was left of Christmas oil – the smell was Christmas pine trees, a perfectly serene ambiance.   Wow!  A thought quickly infiltrated my mind.  I was six years in remission from Breast Cancer, feeling dynamic and passionate about life, furthermore I had just secured a promotion at work which would commence in January.   My career is in medical sales and as from the 5^th  I would be a Hospital Specialist/Team Leader in Cardiovascular.   It was the perfect profession for me in many ways and I was very passionate about it.   The position required a tremendous amount of self-discipline, motivation, commercial acumen and confidence and on the flip side it was a pleasure to build close,  interesting relationships with Cardiologists, manage my own time and most of all make a difference to the lives of patients. 

 

Quality time with my family and generally embracing the diverse experiences of each day is a gift.  Do not get me wrong; I have my moments and my off days - when to turn off my phone and hide away with mountains of chocolate would be the only solution to stop me being totally offensive to anyone who would dare to breathe.  You see we are all human!!

Believe me when I say, my life is a roller coaster ride.  I have periods of months at a time when all is going great, my spirits are high and then something kicks off and catches me off guard.  I am forever verifying my ducks are all in a row, happily waddling along.   Actually, how astounding it would be to find myself in that line, feeling safe, secure with the knowledge my fears were just in my imagination. Where do I apply?

 

Going back to my thoughts, sitting on the bed feeling content, my family around me and for the moment cancer free, what more could I ask for.  How incredibly lucky that I, one of the four sisters diagnosed with cancer, was still living, breathing and experiencing what the wonderful gift of life had to offer.  I could still step into my garden and smell the pretty flowers.  I could squish my grandson, listening to him laugh heartily, smothering him with stolen grandma kisses.  I could walk hand in hand with my devoted husband. I could gather with my girlfriends for fun and laughter and I could continue to bond with my remaining sister whom I love with every bone in my body.  YES, I definitely held the sword of victory.  Thank you !!!  I had unquestionably come a long way, all the same I was still on a journey and my destination was to simply be the best version of my new self. 

 

Such a contrast to eighteen months previous when I felt completely beaten down.  At this time I had been four and half years pulling myself up from my treatment, fighting and losing the battle to enjoy life.  My guilt was enormous, guilt that I should be jumping with joy, shouting from the rooftops, running every morning at 5am to ensure my body had a fighting chance to go the distance of life.  That’s a laugh, I could only just manage to run a bath. My two other sisters had lost their life to cancer and would swap with me any day of the week.

 

In a nutshell I was not embracing life, I was literally just getting through each day the best I could, literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning.  After half an hour, my whole being was ready to get back in.  It was a challenge to avoid any situation that would require energy.  Family didn’t really understand no matter how much I tried to enlighten them.  My children were adults and brought their own problems and issues to the table, each problem draining me that much more.  I didn’t complain because I thought this is how it is –just get on with it.  I had to put the little amount of energy I had into my job because that was what kept me going.  My medication at the time brought with it many side effects, one of which was bone pain, especially at night.  I would be up and down all night trying to ignore it or taking painkillers hence the exhaustion. So, yes it was tough. Knowing the two ends of the spectrum, I can sincerely declare, no matter how much people tell you, that you cannot get up one day deciding to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, no matter how much you crave it.  You know how you want to feel but you just can’t touch that feeling.  It’s like a bad itch that you cannot scratch.  However it is possible to resume your zest for life; you just have to work for it.

 

Initially I had to start with WHY?  What had brought me to this point? I remember one morning, sitting on the edge of my bed – my pooch was eyeballing me “Woof! Come on – I have dogs to sniff and balls to chase or maybe the other way around” - my husband had toddled off to work, totally oblivious to my emotional state of mind and my physical state of exhaustion. As far as he was concerned – I had my treatment and I was now fixed and ready to bounce my jolly self back to normality.  If only it was that easy.  The struggle I had with this was almost as bad as the treatment itself.  My mind knew and remembered too well how I used to be, but my body would not comply at all.  What was  wrong with me??  I craved so much to jump out of bed and look forward to a fabulous day but my feet had other ideas.  The side effects of my medication caused my feet to take longer to wake up than the rest of my body and I had to wait until they were ready to carry me.  Consequently I was dangling them over the end of the bed.  This was when I decided enough is enough – nothing was going to change unless I took control.  I had accepted I was never going to be the person I was before but I sure as hell was not going down without a fight.

 

During my cancer and treatment, a coping mechanism for me was to pretend it wasn’t serious and everything would be back to normal very soon.  Consequently I made no changes to my lifestyle so this was a defining moment for me.  I leaned over to my bedside table and pulled out a notebook and pen; proceeding to jot down what was preventing me from embracing life and how I needed to start the ball rolling for change.  I still have that list.

Everything was mainly down to exhaustion.  I knew I had to make changes.   Looking at the list, I needed to make some quick wins, so I addressed each point immediately

 

Exhaustion – new earlier bedtime routine – have a blood test for vitamin deficiency (the blood test discovered I was dangerously low in vitamin d and needed to take 2000 units per day for life.  No wonder I was knackered)

 

Side effects from my medication – research all brands and their most common side effects – read reviews – decide which brand I was going to take and stick to it.  (My GP later confirmed that the mixers each manufacturer puts into the medication can make the side effects differ from one brand to another)

 

Unorganized because of number 1 – make to do list

 

Uninterested in anything or anyone because of number 1 – ring all my friends and arrange a catch up

 

Even though being mindful was not a new concept for me, this was the second I began to take back control and be self-aware.

 

I was struggling with my thoughts.  Not with my experience, but grieving due to the recent loss of my sister which left me completely empty alongside survivors' guilt.

 

NOTE TO SELF “ make a plan for self-therapy - write a book and get it all out of my system”  Welcome to my journey!