💗 The Turning Point: A Journal Entry From My Cancer Recovery

The blustery day has been followed by an equally blustery evening.  However, the open fire, burning bright, and the remnants of bacon butties on the kitchen counter, alongside pots of hot chocolate added to the atmosphere in our cottage, which was warm and cozy. 

It has been a fabulous day. Long, wet, but fabulous and now was as good a time as any to just take myself upstairs to rest.  There are candles lit with Christmas oil burning and as I snuggle onto the faux fur brown throw, I can make out muffled chattering downstairs below me.  Observing the rain, which is not letting up at all, is crashing against the bedroom window making such a racket, almost as if it is knocking to come in.  Looking at the street light, the sight of the rain is soothing and therapeutic.  Okay, let's reflect on the day and the exuberant Christmas with my family, consisting of my husband, daughter 22, my son 25 and their partners, along with my glorious gift of a grandson (three years old) and not forgetting, as already mentioned, Whiskey, our loyal and loving pooch.  We experienced our tummies filled to capacity with rich festive foods, toasting marshmallows on the open fire, having fun with Mason and his new friend “pop up pirate”. 

Christmas is such a time when as a family we are all in such high spirits.

As I continued to sit snuggled on my bed, propped up by numerous pillows.  I can distinctly smell the oil burner, burning what was left of Christmas oil – the smell is Christmas pine trees, a perfectly serene ambiance.   Wow!  A thought has quickly infiltrated my mind.  I am six years in remission from Breast Cancer, feeling dynamic and passionate about life, furthermore I have just secured a promotion at work which will commence in when I return to work next week. My career is in medical sales, and as of the 5^th  I will be a Hospital Specialist/Team Leader in Cardiovascular.   It is the perfect profession for me in many ways and I love it.   The position requires a tremendous amount of self-discipline, motivation, commercial acumen with confidence and on the flip side it is a pleasure to build close, interesting relationships with Cardiologists, manage my own time, and most of all make a difference to the lives of patients. 

Quality time with my family and generally embracing the diverse experiences of each day is a gift.  Do not get me wrong; I have my moments and my off days - when to turn off my phone and hide away with mountains of chocolate is the only solution to stop me being totally offensive to anyone who would dare to breathe.  You see, we are all human!!

Believe me when I say, my life is a roller coaster ride.  I have periods of months at a time when all is going great, my spirits are high, and then something kicks off and catches me off guard.  I am forever verifying my ducks are all in a row, happily waddling along.   Actually, how astounding it would be to find myself in that line, feeling safe and secure with the knowledge that my fears were just in my imagination. Where do I apply?

Going back to my thoughts as I sit on the bed feeling content, my family around me and for the moment cancer free, what more could I ask for.  How incredibly lucky that I, one of the four sisters diagnosed with cancer, is still living, breathing and experiencing what the wonderful gift of life has to offer.  I can still step into my garden and smell the pretty flowers.  I can squish my grandson as I listen to him laugh heartily, smothering him with stolen grandma kisses.  I can walk hand in hand with my devoted husband. I can gather with my girlfriends for fun and laughter, and I can continue to bond with my remaining sister, whom I love with every bone in my body.  YES, I definitely hold the sword of victory.  Thank you !!! 

I have unquestionably come a long way; all the same, I am still on a journey, and my destination is to simply be the best version of my new self. 

Such a contrast to eighteen months previous, when I felt completely beaten down.  At this time I had been four and half years pulling myself up from my treatment, fighting and losing the battle to enjoy life.  My guilt was enormous, guilt that I should be jumping with joy, shouting from the rooftops, running every morning at 5 am to ensure my body had a fighting chance to go the distance of life.  That’s a laugh, I could only just manage to run a bath. My two other sisters had lost their lives to cancer and would swap with me any day of the week.

In a nutshell I was not embracing life, I was literally just getting through each day the best I could, literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning.  After half an hour, my whole being was ready to get back in.  It was a challenge to avoid any situation that would require energy.  Family didn’t really understand no matter how much I tried to enlighten them.  My children were adults and brought their own problems and issues to the table, each problem draining me that much more.  I didn’t complain because I thought this is how it is – just get on with it.  I had to put the little amount of energy I had into my job because that was what kept me going.  My medication then and now brings with it many side effects, one of which is bone pain, especially at night.  I am up and down all night, trying to ignore it or taking painkillers, hence the exhaustion. So, yes, it was and still is tough. Knowing the two ends of the spectrum, I can sincerely declare that no matter how much people tell you, you cannot get up one day deciding to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, no matter how much you crave it.  You know how you want to feel, but you just can’t touch that feeling.  It’s like a bad itch that you cannot scratch.  However, it is possible to resume your zest for life; you just have to work for it.

Initially, I had to start with WHY?  What had brought me to this point? I remember one morning, sitting on the edge of my bed – my pooch was eyeballing me, “Woof! Come on – I have dogs to sniff and balls to chase, or maybe the other way around” My husband had toddled off to work, totally oblivious to my emotional state of mind and my physical state of exhaustion. As far as he was concerned, I had my treatment, and I was now fixed and ready to bounce my jolly self back to normality.  If only it were that easy.  The struggle I had with this was almost as bad as the treatment itself.  My mind knew and remembered too well how I used to be, but my body would not comply at all.  What was wrong with me??  I craved so much to jump out of bed and look forward to a fabulous day, but my feet had other ideas.  The side effects of my medication caused my feet to take longer to wake up than the rest of my body, and I had to wait until they were ready to carry me.  Consequently, I was dangling them over the end of the bed.  This was when I decided enough was enough – nothing was going to change unless I took control.  I had accepted I was never going to be the person I was before, but I sure as hell was not going down without a fight.

During my cancer and treatment, a coping mechanism for me was to pretend it wasn’t serious and that everything would be back to normal very soon.  Consequently, I made no changes to my lifestyle, so this was a defining moment for me.  I leaned over to my bedside table and pulled out a notebook and pen, proceeding to jot down what was preventing me from embracing life and how I needed to start the ball rolling for change.  I still have that list.

Everything was mainly down to exhaustion.  I knew I had to make changes.   Looking at the list, I needed to make some quick wins, so I addressed each point immediately 

Exhaustion – new earlier bedtime routine – have a blood test for vitamin deficiency (the blood test discovered I was dangerously low in vitamin D and needed to take 2000 units per day for life.  No wonder I was knackered)

 Side effects from my medication – research all brands and their most common side effects – read reviews – decide which brand I was going to take and stick to it.  (My GP later confirmed that the mixers each manufacturer puts into the medication can make the side effects differ from one brand to another)

 Unorganized because of number 1 – make to do list

Uninterested in anything or anyone because of number 1 – ring all my friends and arrange a catch up

Even though being mindful was not a new concept for me, this was the second I began to take back control and be self-aware.

I was struggling with my thoughts.  Not with my experience, but grieving due to the recent loss of my sister which left me completely empty alongside survivors' guilt.

NOTE TO SELF:

"Create a self-therapy plan. Write a book and get itall out of your system."

At the time, I had no idea that one simple note to myself would become the beginning of a healing journey and a passion for writing.

Writing gave me a safe place to process my thoughts, emotions, fears and hopes. It helped me make sense of everything I was experiencing and became an important part of my recovery.

Welcome to my journey.

If you would like to read the book that emerged from those difficult but transformative days, simply click the button below to visit my book page.

Perhaps my story might inspire you to begin writing your own.

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